{Artwork titled "Detective" via Under Sea Boat}
I was browsing through the awesome sketchblog, Under Sea Boat, created by Timothy Winkler, when I came across this quote he posted by Annie Dillard..
In “Notes for Young Writers,” Annie Dillard says that “if you skip a day it will take three painful days to get to believing in the work again.”
What an understatement! On Thursday, strangely enough on the very day that I am ready to write for hours and feel blessed to be writing my novel my husband finds me in my home office, tells me he has the day off, and wants to go for a ride on his motorcycle. I look outside my office window and the sky is that alluring bright blue, and the heat of a beautiful day is pressing through the glass and into the room. I'm ready to sacrifice the day to writing, but that look in my husband's eye is just something that I can't ditch out on. I rarely get much time to hang out with him. So onto the motorcycle, the enchantment of writing is lost to another day of life in the "real" world.
On Friday, I paid the price. I sat at my desk struggling with loads of self-doubt and misery because I didn't believe in my work. I'm not sure how this shift happened so quick from one day to the next. But, there it was, just like the Annie Dillard quote. I had to learn how to kick start my faith in my work. It wasn't easy. I was only able to get about 3 pages written due to research and references. Ouch! If you only skip one day and you'll have three painful days of reconnecting with the work, what does does that say about missing a week and a half?
I woke up this morning, a rainy spring Saturday, and I woke up with this seed of realization concerning my novel. I jumped out of bed, ran down to my office, and sat down at my desk and started to write. If it could just be this easy all the time! Then I got a call to go to lunch with my two favorite girlfriends in the whole world, one of whom who has been away from the last month, I couldn't say no. Guilt strikes again! I can't write and ignore my relationships to others that matter. I'm glad I went to lunch, too! I found out my friend who has been away was engaged that very morning.
So what does a writer do? Well...I don't have the answer, yet. This is really difficult emotional terrain for me to conquer. At least I'm becoming conscious of this. I've talked to my family and husband before, about sabotaging my writing time and guilt-ing me into hanging out. I need time to work like construction workers need time to build. I've allowed a bunch of guilt trips in the past to give me reason to leave my desk and chair, or even the guilt of not keeping the house clean when I'm at home all day. The trouble is that I pay a heavy price for being away from my novel for a day or two. I loose faith in my novel and my attempt to start a career as a published writer. Those missed days of writing turned into weeks and then into years, and then everyone looses faith in my career as a writer. Maybe this is another issue at the core of why I haven't managed to bring my novel to completion. I need to stand-up for myself and stop feeling guilty that my work schedule if different and totally necessary for my process of writing. Hmm...I think I might be discovering a better way to live my life as a writer. Realization is one step and action is the next. Wish me luck writers, I think we all know how difficult this can be!
